Top 10 Rude Valentines Day Cards

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On the JJ Barnes Blog, as lovely as a classic, sweet, romantic card can be, I’m going to discover the top 10 rude Valentines Day cards… because let’s be honest… it’s just more fun.

Valentine’s Day. A time for hearts, flowers, and declarations of undying love. We’re bombarded with images of blushing couples, chocolates, and those classic, sweet, romantic cards. And while there’s definitely a place for all that gooey goodness, let’s be honest, sometimes… it’s just a little much. Sometimes, a bit of dark humour and a touch of irreverence is exactly what the love doctor ordered.

So, if you’re tired of the saccharine sweetness and yearn for something a little more… edgy, then you’ve come to the right place. Forget the roses and sonnets, because I’m diving headfirst into the delightfully devious world of rude Valentine’s Day cards.

Get ready to discover the top 10 cards that are guaranteed to elicit a laugh (and maybe a slightly horrified gasp) this February 14th. Because let’s face it, sometimes the best way to say “I love you” is with a healthy dose of filth.

Top 20 Rudest Valentines Day Cards

1. You Make My Minge Twinge

I considered getting you flowers, but then I remembered how much you appreciate eloquent expressions of affection… like this one.

Designed and handcrafted in the UK, this 14x14cm card is printed on thick, semi-gloss cardstock, ensuring a premium feel and a lasting impression. It’s a substantial card that’s sure to stand out from the crowd. The inside of the card is blank, giving you plenty of space to pen your own heartfelt (or hilariously inappropriate) message. Unleash your inner comedian and let your partner know just how much they… well, you know.

2. Thanks For Having Sex With Me! Occasionally!

I know it’s not always fireworks, but hey, at least the pilot light’s still on… sometimes.

This funny Valentine’s Day card (145mm x 150mm) is perfect for your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend. Printed on 350gsm FSC card and supplied with a red FSC certified envelope, it’s blank inside for your personal message. Made by Punkcards in the Birmingham’s Jewellery Quarter, this card is a hilarious and unforgettable way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

3. The Only Package I Want This Valentines Day Is Yours

It’s a bold claim, I know, especially considering Amazon Prime exists.

Show your love this Valentine’s Day with this quirky, high-quality (145mm x 145mm, 300gsm card stock) greeting card. Designed in the UK, the card features a unique design and a simple “HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY” message inside, leaving plenty of room for your personal touch. It comes with a red envelope and is designed, printed, and quality-checked in the UK.

4. Still A Big Fan Of Your Fanny

I’d say our love is like a fine wine, but let’s be honest, it’s more like a really good, reliable pair of sweatpants… specifically the ones I like you in.

Printed on high-quality 400gsm card with a gloss finish, it’s designed and printed in-house at SmartyPants, a leading UK printed garment manufacturer using eco-friendly inks. You can add a personalized message inside and have it sent directly to the recipient. SmartyPants offers a 60-day return policy (excluding personalized items and underwear).

5. Scratch To Reveal Your Gift

I hope you like surprises… and also have good hygiene.

This unique Valentine’s Day card features a gold foil scratch-off area revealing a naughty surprise, adding a playful twist to your romantic gesture. The inside reads “Happy Valentine’s Day” with space for your personalized message. Printed on premium cardstock with a luxurious foil finish, the card comes with a vibrant red envelope.

6. Love Is Supporting Each Other As You Get Older

Love is supporting each other as you get older… and remembering where you put the car keys.

This hilarious “Support Each Other” card is perfect for him or her, making them laugh out loud this Anniversary or Valentine’s Day. Great for any relationship, from new romances to long-term partnerships, this card is a fun and playful way to show your love and humor. Ideal for couples who appreciate a good laugh, the blank inside allows for easy personalization, making it suitable for a wide range of occasions and recipients.

7. I Love Your Boobs And You

I’m a complex person. I contain multitudes. Also, boobs.

This funny Valentine’s card is designed and printed in the UK on the finest card stock. The luxury card, ideal for a wife, comes with a Fleck FSC envelope. Featuring a sentimental, thoughtful, and affectionate design, the card measures 140mm x 140mm, and the envelope is 145mm x 145mm, making it a UK letter size.

8. Get Your Willy Out

I figured I’d skip the foreplay and get straight to the point… literally.

These blank greeting cards measure 17.5 x 12.5 cm (6.8 x 4.9 inches) and are printed on thick, luxurious art paper. Each card comes with a premium envelope and is available in a variety of unique, beautiful designs suitable for any occasion. Made from high-quality, durable paper, these cards have a luxurious feel and provide ample space inside for your personalized message.

9. Cheeky Finger Up The Bum?

I’m not saying I have a problem with boundaries, but… hypothetically… would you be open to exploring them?

This “Filthy Rude” Valentine’s card is professionally printed on thick, 300gsm card with a matte finish. The A5 size (when folded) provides ample space for your personal message, and a high-quality, color-matched envelope is included. The card is professionally printed and packaged in a cello bag.

10. I Love You For Your Personality But That Dick Is A Huge Bonus

I mean, the personality is definitely… there. But let’s be real, the bonus points are undeniable.

Designed and printed in the UK on thick, 300gsm card with sustainable materials, it features a hilarious design and comes with a high-quality envelope. The blank inside allows for a personalized message, and the 145x145mm card (with a 150x150mm envelope) is sealed in a recyclable polybag. Fun stickers are also included to add an extra personal touch.